Harry Potter and The Whorecruxes
by xXxMusic is my boyfriendxXx
Summary: this is basicly the 7th book if J.K.Rowling were to get drunk and or high while writing it. PLEEZ READ! ...and no flames. if u do, i'll just add u in the story & kill u off. muahaha! i hav the POOWWWEEERRRRR!
1. The letter

**Harry Potter and the horcruxes**

**By: Us.**

Chapter One: the 3 L's 

Harry was sitting in his room crying over Dumbleydores death, and that he never got lucky with Ginny. He was a writing a letter to Ron that was covered in tears and a piece of bubblegum.

The letter Read:

_Dear Ron,_

_You are so lucky that you got lucky with Lavender. Ginny and I never got passed 2nd base. We almost got to third base, but professor Snape walked on us and asked if he could join in. Draco was being a meany and said I am "The-Boy-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Laid". Oh well we really do need to get those horcrux thingys but I don't feel like it. WHY DO **I **HAVE TO!? Why couldn't it be someone whose smarter like.. Hermione.. No one would notice if she died. Except lover boy Viktor Krum That's right I saw them after the Yule Ball, in a hot tub. They didn't see me though because I still had my invisibility cloak from when I was spying on Cho changing in her dorm. I mean… .ummmm…. Hermione?… no….Ginny …..no…um..I… mean…..Draco? Yeah, Draco…wait…umm…I'M STRAIT! I'm the friggin chosen one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _

_Still cooler than you, _

_Harry!_

Then he gave the letter to Hedwig and yeah gave it to Ron. Then Ron sued Harry for talking about his sister like that. Ron couldn't afford a lawyer so then he just dropped the charges and they got on with there lives. That lasted about an hour or so then harry sent another letter to Ron and Hermione asking them to quote: "_Get there butts over here and start kicking some Ass- That- Must- Not- Be- Named..." _


	2. Groovy 70's van

**Chapter Two: The Questy Westy**

So the trio went on their quest, trying to use as little magic as possible so they couldn't be tracked.

They were traveling in an old American 70's van, which attracted the attention of most passers by who

were astonished that the Americans were so stupid that they put the steering wheel on the wrong side of the van.

Ginny was in the back seat of the van, but they only let her come so she could keep harry some company when Ron and Hermione FINALLY hook up.

And… also so she could carry their stuff.

They were driving in there groovy 70's van and were listening to a Beatles CD they found in the back seat.

As they were driving they ran over something.

They went to go see who or what it was.. it was a squirrel.

"stupid squirrels always getting ran over." Said Ron.

Then out of nowhere a magicy blue light came out of the dead squirrels' body.

Then a voice started talking "thank you have reached Voldemorts horcrux number four how may I help you?"

"We'd like you to destroy yourself," said Harry

It exploded.

Then they got back in the van and started listening to some Bon Jovi and Led Zeplin.

They decided it would be good to celebrate so they went to Taco Bell.

And so… The speaker was all like "how may I help you?" and Ron was all like "yeah… uh… 4 butter beers and-" "I'm sorry, 4 what?!?" the speaker RUDELY interrupted. "I SAID I WANT FOUR FRIGGIN BUTTER BEERS! How hard is that to-" "I'm sorry could you repeat that?" "**_FOUR FRIGGIN BUTTER BEERS!!!_**" Ron was getting **_REALLY_** ticked off now. "Uh, Ron?" Harry interrupted, "muggles don't know what butter beer is…" you know what? I don't feel like typing all of this. Let's just say… Ron realized that he was just hung over, the girl talking through the speaker _"Hit her head" _and couldn't remember any of it. Ron and Hermione made out in the back seat … The "Japanese" kidnapped Ginny… and… Harry found a shiny nickel under the passenger's seat. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah…


	3. The Blue Cracker

**Chapter Three**

So… off again they went, until they finally found a perfectly good camp sight right in the middle of the

Creepy Weepy Woods. Unfortunately, without Ginny to work as a slave they were all too lazy to set up the

tent… at least Harry was, Ron and Hermione were just still too busy making out.

So they used magic. It's not like they could get tracked that fast, right? Wrong. The Death eaters were on

There way. So… they got the heck out of there. They went to the camp site parking lot to find that there groovy 70's van was towed.

Damn parking lots and there rules.

It was secretly the death eaters work.. DUN DUN DUN!!

So they walked to the nearest 7-11 to find a pay phone only to realize they were as broke as that squirrel that got run over.

So Hermione went up to the counter and bought a bag of chex-mix. Oddly enough inside it was a blue cracker.

"EWWWWWWWW" she screamed.

Than she threw it in a trash can. Than a blue light came out of the trash can and she screamed like an itty bitty school girl.

Than the blue light started to sing.

"The is a horcrux a cool shiny horcrux now please dont destroy us!" sang the horcrux.

They chose not listen to that last sentence.

Than Harry with the first thing he could think of said "boom" and pointed his wand toward the horcrux.

It exploded and confetti came out!

"I didnt think that would actually work!" said Harry happily.

"Wow Crazy-V isnt as smart as he used to be" Hermione said.

"Now" said Ron in a very happy voice "on to the next chapter!"


	4. the drunken hotel

Disclaimer: I. OWN. NOTHING!

And so, with only two horcruxes left to find and a butt load of cash from a bet Ron had taken a few days earlier (lets just say the liquor store made a buck or two off of him.) they bought another-- even groovier, and maybe even funkedelic-- 70's van. And went on there way. "I miss video games!" Ron yelled. "I miss my mom!" Harry chimed in. "What the bloody hell are you two talking about?!" Hermione shrieked in her now-you-know-how-pissed-off-at-you-I-am-voice. "ONE - HARRY YOU DON'T _HAVE_ A MOM! AND TWO – RON, YOU DON'T _HAVE_ A VIDEO GAME! GET OVER YOURSELVES!" "Gosh, Hermione, way to be a total bitch." Harry muttered as Ron fell to the floor crying, tears flying everywhere like some emo anime show "No video games for Ronny?" he asked in a pathetic whiney voice with an award-winning puppy dog pout on his face.

( Twelve days later…)

The trio was out at a famous, expensive hotel (at which they totally planned on ditching the bill.), all out doing there own thing. Ron was at the arcade getting his video-playing-ass kicked by a pre-schooler at 'Help Barney make a sandwich' (he was down by five lettuce-slices), Hermione had found a local Barnes and Noble where she was reading and stuff and junk, and Harry was drunk in the hotel bar telling every girl he saw that he was the boy who lived so he could see how many girlfriends he could have by the end of the night. Meanwhile…

In the corner, lurking in the shadows, was none other than the V-Man himself. He was about to pounce out and kill Harry by surprise, but he was totally wasted and a waitress walked by and accidentally hit him in the head with a frying pan, which cause him to black out but not after his face flattened all cartoony-style. The next day when he woke up he saw Harry and co. about ready to leave, normally, he would have pounced but he was still totally wasted and all he said to Harry was, "excuse me, miss, but would you mind telling me where the bathroom is?"

To be continued… WILL Harry make it out of this one? DOES crazy V ever find out where the little girls room is? Tune in next time and….. Ahh, screw it, just wait for the next chapter, ok? They'll find a horcrux in that one. And give me suggestions on what it should be, ok? Bye...oh. Your still here. Uhh…… you can leave now.


	5. Barbra, come home!

Disclaimer: if I DID own Harry Potter, what the bloody hell would I be doing writing a fanfic that makes fun of it?

Recap: When we last left our three -- wait…..four? No, no, I'm pretty sure it's three -- heroes crazy V had just asked them where the little girls room was, and Harry had yet to answer. HOW RUDE!

Now onto the story!!!!!!

Harry kicked the V- man right in the gut! (All sci-fi spinny-in-the-air-in-slow-motion-style) and ran away with things one and two. I mean dumb and dumber. Wait…. Hermione and Ron! Few! That's what it is! Ok, on to the story…

----Two hours later----

Hermione was driving while having a yelling-match with Ron. "Bloody 'ell!" Harry screamed, clearly annoyed. "You two bicker like an old married couple!" "Ewww!" Hermione shrieked a disgusted look on her face. "What you two aren't an item?" Harry asked. Hermione looked at him in shock. "NO! That would be ironic!" "Do you even _know_ what ironic means?" Harry asked. "Of course I do!" poofy-hair was REALY ticked off now. "I+Ronick!" she yelled. Ron and Harry lowered their heads and dropped sweat anime-style.

Meanwhile….

The death eaters were at a company meeting down at Chuckey Cheese. "Shouldn't we be stopping the people-isms from finding more cruxy-thingies?" Mrs. Draco's Mom asked after taking her tongue out of Chuckey's throat. (She's so obviously cheating on him) "After we find my nickel!" Crazy-V answered while having Snape and Draco search for the nickel he stole from Harry at there last meet (which he had just recently lost.)

In the Van….

"No!" Harry screamed. "The Bitch-That-Must-Not-Be-Named stole Barbra!" Harry continued to search the back-seat for his long-lost-nickel-friend while Things one and two snogged like crazy to make up for all the time they'd been fighting.

Ok, short chapter, I know, but the next one will be long. R&R!


	6. auther's note

Okay, so here's the deal.- I'm not convinced that people are reading my story, so unless someone reviews and asks me to update, I'm not going to. Tough.


	7. The ditching of things 1 & 2

Disclaimer: Yam no own! Yam go cry now. :'( …uh… I'm yam… incase you didn't catch on.

Added note: this Chapter is dedicated to my second favorite super-hero, the girl who's got Rupert Grint locked in her closet drum-role Sarcastic.Bitch2476!!!!!! (And you'll see why later)

Ok, so just so you remember, in the last chapter Harry lost his beloved nickel friend, Barbra, because Mr. Meany-pants-I'm-too-good-to-be-normal-colored-instead-of-green stole her. (And for all you idiots out there, I mean Voldemort.)

And then, the V-man lost Barbra (who he renamed taco) at Chucky Cheese's, and had Snape and Draco looking for it while Mrs. Malfoy made out with Chucky.

--now--

As Things one and two snogged, Hairy Pawter (and yes, I did just describe a dog) tore apart the van looking for his girlfriend …..I …. Mean…… "Nickel". It went on like this for weeks, until one day, when at the gas station for a pit-stop, Harry found a new, shinier quarter!

I mean, it was big! Harry didn't know much, but he knew it was big! It must have been worth at least… like… six cents! And that's a whole CENT more than a nickel! But much to his dismay, when he picked up his new coin-type friend (which he had decided to name Brittany) it glowed blue and started to talk like a gangsta radio-talk-show host.

"Yo, yo, yo, Horcrux in da his-house!" then the Horcrux noticed that Harry was not on Voldie's side. "Yo, why don't you got yo self a killa dark- mark tattoo?" it asked. "All the kool kids are getting them!"

Unfortunately for the Horcrux, Harry had no desire to be kool (obviously) and was not in such a good mood. So Harry destroyed the Horcrux and then, feeling that it was a good dis, yelled "Oooooooh!!! Burn!!!!!" and drove down to star bucks for a victory latte', totally forgetting that Ron and Hermione were still in the girls' bathroom, snogging to no end.

And so, when Harry's posse' pulled themselves off of each other long enough to realize they were alone, Hermione realized something even more important. "Hey! You're not my Ronny-kins!" she yelled. "Nope! I'm Rupert Grint! The actor that plays Ralf, or whatever his name is in the movies!"

"Whatever, you're hot!" answered a very shameless Hermione, right before she went back to snogging him.. "Stop, right there!" yelled an unfamiliar voice. "who the bloody 'ell are you?!" asked Hermione RUDELY. "I'm Kelly!" she yelled, right before tying Rupert up and running away, laughing evilly the whole way, as she dragged him behind her. Then Ron came out of one of the girls' bathroom stalls. "Was there something going on out here?" he asked. "Nope!" Hermione answered quickly before they went back to their tongue-wrestling hobby.

End Chapter!!!! Few! My eyes are dry, I don't think I've blinked since I started writing! Whateva. Review please!


	8. Rupert fight!

Disclaimer: AMEE WUZ HEER!!!!!!!!!! …and she said that she had no ownage of Harry Potter…yet.

A/N: okay, so I ONLY updated because I had a feeling if I didn't, Kelly would KILL me. (and for those of you who didn't catch on last chapter, Kelly's username is sarcastic.bitch2476) …and Kelly has a weird obsession with Rupert Grint.

A/N #2: I have decided to end the story somewhere within the next five or six updates. If not sooner. Then I will start the sequel, And it may be a crossover. . . but to answer any questions that forms, no, I do not plan on killing Harry off in this one. It's too much fun to mess with his character.

Now just a quick review…

Ok, so in the last chapter Harry ditched Ron and what's-her-face, blah, blah, blah, book worm was making out with Rupert Grint, blah, blah, blah, and then Kelly made her appearance and re-kidnapped him, blah, blah, blah, all that good stuff.

!#$&()+!#$&()+!#$&()+!#$&()+!#$&()+!#$&()

Now, where were we… oh yeah!

So, after many days of sleeping on the couch in the girls' bathroom and living off of

Chexmix and sodas in the gas station, Harry, not being the brightest cookie in the bunch,

Started driving in circles and somehow ended up back in the same gas station for yet

ANOTHER pit stop and it kinda went like this…

Ron- "Bloody 'ell, it's about time you came to pick us up!"

Hermione- "Bastard."

Harry- "wait, wait, wait. You were gone?!"

Things one and two- (lower their heads and drop sweat anime-style.)

Hermione- "You mean you didn't notice?!"

Harry- "That's cuz you've been here the whole time, see?" (opens the backdoors of the van to reveal a second Ron and Hermione, making out.)

Ron- "Why do I have your scar painted on my forehead?"

Harry- "huh?"

(fake Ron's wig comes off to reveal that he is actually a fake Harry)

Everybody- "HUH?"

Fake Hermione- "Were actors!"

The REAL trio- (looks at Kelly strangely.)

Kelly- "what?"

Hermione- "aren't you going to kidnap them, too?"

Kelly- "huh? Oh, heck no! They're not hot like Rupert!"

Hermione- "speaking of Rupert…" (pulls out wand and points it at Kelly) "The hottie is MINE!"

Ron- " 'mione?"

Hermione- "look at him!" (points to a tied up Rupert with crazy eyes.)

Ron- "Oh, wow! If I was a chick I'd be all over him! Mmm, mmm!"

Everybody- (stares at Ron and slowly backs away.)

Harry- "So, uh, Kelly. You doin' anything tonight? I'm famous.

Ron- (muttering) "yeah, famously virgin."

Harry- "shut up! So… Kelly… your fairly hot…."

Kelly- (bitch-slaps Harry. ha, ha! Sucker!)

Hermione- (zaps Kelly with an expelliarmus….or whatever it's called behind her back.)

Kelly- (Jumps on Hermione and they disappear in a dust-cloud like on cartoons.)

Ron- "Aww, Man, I can't see anything!"

To be continued…

well, i think longest chapter yet, the next time i update it'll be part two, and i plan on updating every time at least two different people ask me to.

Well, there ya go, Kelly! R&R!


	9. plottwisted chapter dat makes no sense!

**Insert disclaimer here**

**So yea this is me, Sarcastic.Bitch2476 typing for Me No Understandee Anime  …cuz she types SLOW. …and she broke her hand running up to my front door.**

**Just a quick review Harry was stupid and never realized he forgot Hermione and Ron, than some other stuff happened than Hermione and me got into a fight over Rupert Grint.**

_So I'm gonna do this chapter like an IM thingy too….it takes WAY less time._

Dust cloud- "get off me bitch" "Give me back Rupert, you're the Bitch"

Ron- seriously guys, make yourselves visible!

Harry- I agree!

Hermione- Wait why are we fighting over some guy that rides a unicycle?

Kelly- uhh... because he's sexy?

Rupert- Well she does have a point!

Harry- You guys are hott too!

Ron- I agree!

Hermione- Wait lets kill those two and go back to fighting.

Kelly- Ok!

**Hermione jumps on Ron and Harry and than Kelly jumps on Hermione and starts strangling her**

Kelly- Ha-ha, let your guard down!

Hermione- BITCH!

Kelly- I know. (Hence the name)

Daniel Radcliffe- How come their not fighting over me?

Rupert- cuz your not shmexy like me!

Kelly- wait a minute… yes he is! Let's fight over him instead!

Hermione- ok!

Danny boy- Yay!

Rupert- awww. Goshdamnit.

Ginny- Woah! What a plot twist!

Harry- Ginny! You're back! And I did "_NOT" _try to ask another girl out just now!!!!

Hermione- I thought the Japanese kidnapped you!

Ginny- uhh…no. You guys just got high and left me at taco bell to pay for your frickin' tacos!

Harry- ummmm….. sorry?

Ginny- Bastard.

Emma- hello!

Ginny- aahhh!!!!! 2 Hermiones! Noooooo! (Kills Emma Watson)

Hermione- noooo! My brother! I mean computer! …I mean my … my Emma. You killed Emma, ok?

Ginny- Who the bloody 'ell is Emma!!!!!???!!!

Hermione- way to turn me deaf!!! Maybe I don't WANT to tell u now!

Voldemort- Tell me, please!

Harry- U.H.S.N (unidentified high-pitched squeaky noise which resembles the scream of a small female child)

Voldie- (same thing)

Daniel Radcliffe- Woooot! Now, onto the next chapter!


	10. the last whorecrux

Alright! Sorry it took so long to update. First my dad had the stupid idea of grounding me from my room which of course has my computer in it. (and yeah, I said my room. I don't get it either. :P) and then I couldn't remember how many horcruxes I had left so I had to wait till I could remember to ask Kelly.

. . . then . . . I didn't really feel like writing. Hehe.

So anywayz….

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, you'd all be VERY sorry. …and the books would be about 28 pages long. With one chapter. So BE.HAPPY!

A/N: thank you all for your reviews.

Now just a quick flashback….

"Ginny- aahhh!!!!! 2 Hermiones! Noooooo! (Kills Emma Watson)

Hermione- noooo! My brother! I mean computer! …I mean my … my Emma. You killed Emma, ok?

Ginny- Who the bloody 'ell is Emma!!!!!???!!!

Hermione- way to turn me deaf!!! Maybe I don't WANT to tell u now!

Voldemort- Tell me, please!

Harry- U.H.S.N (unidentified high-pitched squeaky noise which resembles the scream of a small female child)

Voldie- (same thing)

Daniel Radcliffe- Woooot! Now, onto the next chapter!"

A/N#2-yes, I AM just wasting space with that flashback. NOW ONTO THE STORY!!!!!!!

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Harry-"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!!!"

Crazy V-"well, I…" pauses "I uh….hold on a second…" looks at script real fast "ah hah!! I KNEW that I had a line here!" clears throat "Harry Potter, I will now intend to kill you and end up being defeated like always!"

Harry-shrugs

Harry- "Just let me ask one question… am _I_ your last Horcrux like everybody says I am??"

Voldemort- "what? Oh, hellz no! That's stupid. Why would I be trying to kill you if you were one of my horcruxes? Well, your not. And you can never make me tell who it is!!!! It's a good one, too." Leans over to Ron's ear "ssspppttt!!!!!! It's the real Slim shady!!!!! But don't tell nobody!!!! K?"

Ron- "WHAT?!?! The real Slim shady???? Kool! What an awesome secret!"

Harry- "Really, Slim shady?"

Valdie- narrows eyes at Ron "way to go, jackass."

Ron- "oops." runs off and hides in a corner somewhere

Harry- "Well, I'll be right back…" runs off-screen

Five minutes later…

Harry- "hey, have you seen the news?" shows everyone an American News Paper with the headline 'Slim Shady no more!'

Voldemort- "that wasn't wise, Harry. Now I'll be forced to finish off my hostage, your precious Barbra!!!!"

dun, Dun, DUN!!!!!!!!

Harry- gasps "You wouldn't!!!!!!!"

Voldemort- "oh yes, I WOULD!!!!!!"

Harry- "don't you know anything about love? I LOVE her!!!!!"

Voldie- "hmmm….."

flips to montage of Voldemort and Barbra running in a field of flowers, on a first date, there wedding day and so forth…

Voldemort "well, most of those didn't even happen so….. no."

Harry-"Oh, ok. Continue."

Voldemort- points wand at Barbra, hesitates, then kills Harry.

Everybody- GASP!!!!

Voldemort- "MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Now I win the world AND Barbra!"

Random yet very pretty girl who Everybody likes- "AVADA KEDRAVA!"

Voldemort- (dead)

Everyone- "WHO ARE YOU?"

Random yet very pretty girl who Everybody likes- "my name is Mary-sue!"

Ginny- "Damn, its like you saw it coming…. A mile away. Yet you didn't."

Hermione- "ummm… k…."

Everyone stares at Mary-sue

Mary-Sue- "ummm…. DANCE PARTY!!!!!"

music plays and everybody starts dancing like 70's chickens who aint got no talent! (except for Mary-Sue, who was such an excellent dancer that everyone of the male persuasion fell immediately in love with her.)

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Well, wait for the epilogue! Coming soon to Disney DVD! Tinkerbelle flies around with a wand and makes a picture of the Disney castle appear, then I walk up and smash it with a mallet

Me-well, that was the almost-end, hope you liked it!

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Kelly- But how come we weren't…

Me- good day!

Kelly- but…

Me- I SAID GOOD DAY!

Peoplez- UGH! (leave)

Me- Yay! Horray for Fez on That 70's Show!!!!!

P.S.oh yeah, please Review!!!!! Come on just one tiny little purple button…

(look down!!!) v


	11. read please!

Disclaimer: read what I just said! "DISCLAIMER"!!!!!!!! You dumbasses!

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Ok, so I know I promised you an epilogue, but I really don't know what to write, and I even more really don't want to. So here's my notes, my next fanfic will be an InuYasha crossover, featuring either fruits basket, sailor moon, or Harry potter. You choose whichever you want in reviews, but I'm kinda leaning towards fruits basket. It may be serious OR funny. (and of course the serious will have funny parts in it, too w/e) so I guess you'll vote on that, too. Also, it's your own fault that I didn't choose to write an epilogue and that the last chapter wasn't very good, too. Because I didn't have nearly enough reviews to motivate me. So if you're one of those people that read a fic, and then don't feel like reviewing, screw you. Just leave if you're like that. Oh yeah! And you should also vote on both pairings and story plots, cuz that'll get it done a lot faster. So, that's all I needed to say…

Lotsa love,

Me no understandee anime.


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